As Hitler knew only too well, there’s nothing worse than not having enough balls.  One lonely meatball atop Old Smokey, or anywhere, is a tragic sight bound to make even the hardiest folk singer spontaneously compose a lengthy tragic ballad.  So your very bottom will explode with delight when it learns that my delicious recipe will provide more than enough balls to hold an international snooker championship.

Now, I’ve never made meatballs before but have always enjoyed the consumption of juicy spherical objects.  Still flicking through the Vicar’s Wife’s Cookbook, I found her recipe for Meatballs in Tomato Sauce pretty attractive, and my tummy did a big grumble to express it’s desire to try it.  But Mrs Beynon’s version calls for quite a few bits and bobs I didn’t have, and the house was still pretty full of leftover vegetables that needed using up.  No problem – such things have never been an exact science, so a case of Pimp My Balls was in order.   The end results were certainly pretty good. 

Tasty and juicy, but not hairy.

Tasty and juicy, but not hairy.

So, what do you need?

  • About a pound of good beef mince (although any type of mince could be used)
  • An onion, finely chopped
  • Some garlic, minced like a good’un
  • 1 tbs Worcestershire sauce
  • Smoked streaky bacon, finely chopped – a good six rashers or so
  • Fresh herbs, chopped – I used lemon thyme, oregano and basil
  • Freshly grated Parmesan and crumbled Stilton – about a handful altogether
  • White breadcrumbs (although I’m sure brown would work just as well)
  • An eggywegg, beaten
  • Salt and pepper – not too much salt – remember the bacon and cheese will already add some.

And for the sauce:

  • A tin of tomatoes, chopped
  • A leek, finely chopped
  • Passatta or tomato juice
  • Red Wine
  • Salt and Pepper
  • Herbs de choice – basil works well here.

So, start with the sauce – saute the leeks and sweat them down.  Add the tomatoes and bring to the boil before adding the wine and sauce / juice.  Simmer well and let it start to reduce.

Meanwhile, gently fry the onions and garlic until softened.  Let cool a little, and mix all the meatball ingredients together carefully.  You’ll need at least a handful of breadcrumbs.  What you want is a nice firm mix that’s not too sloppy but hasn’t got too stiff.  Keep adding breadcrumbs until you reach this, and if you go too far add a little more egg, milk or ketchup to lubricate the mixture again.  Form into good sized balls – smaller than a ping-pong, but bigger than a walnut.  Gently fry these, turning every so often until they’re nicely browned.  Be careful at this stage as you don’t want your balls to stick to the hot pan, and handling them too roughly could cause spherical disintegration, which is never nice.

Once the sauce has got all nice and reduced and is looking almost thick enough to serve, gently lower the meatballs in using tongs, a spoon or a “special crane”.  Cover, and simmer gently for about twenty mins to half an hour.  Stir gently every so often, taking care not to demolish your globes of glory, and check for seasoning. 

Cook some spaghetti until done how you like it – about nine mins usually gives me good al dente noodles.  Drain well and spoon the thick sauce on top, then plop a good few meatballs at the zenith.  ‘Tis of the yum.

You’ll be able to feed 3-4 people with this amount, maybe more if they have tiny wee tummies or less if they are greedy like me.  The leeks in the sauce go well – they add a subtle sweetness that’s offset by the wine, but you could also use onions and garlic or shallots.  The cheese in the meatballs I’d never thought of before, and all props to Mrs Beynon for this idea – it works fantastically.  The cheese melts away, adding moistness and flavour to the morsels as they cook.  Blue cheese works especially well with beef, but you may want to experiment. 

I really enjoyed eating these and am pretty sure you will too, unless you’re a veggie.  Ganbare!